Missed Connections

Surely you know the parallel meaning problem: when you talk or type past somebody without ever really discussing the same thing. Sometimes even close friends or couples experience conversations that edge by each other, either by design or by accident.

Let’s say two people are planning how to spend some free time together. Both might already have their own plan, making it hard at first to hear the other person’s idea, or to imagine that a different idea could even exist. With luck they know each other well enough to eventually get on the same track: “Oh, you wanted to go shopping first and then watch the video. OK, no problem. We can do it that way.”

Here in Asia the parallel meaning problem can have many added causes: culture clash, status difference, language gap, crackly phone connection. I prefer to think that most of the time such disconnects are innocent and unintentional, as in this recent text message exchange during a village survey project I was supervising:

Me (8:04 pm): Have a good day tomorrow in the village. Let me know how it goes.
He (8:07 pm): By car.

Now and then I can tell that somebody doesn’t want to answer a question directly, as in the case of a done deal:

Me (7:31 am): Don’t go by boat today. Bad weather coming. Too dangerous. Please let me know that you are safe now.
She (3:35 pm): We are finished with that village. We will go back to town now.

The problem gets trickier when fed by the risk of that most delicate of this continent’s threats: face loss. Sometimes people here deliberately derail two-way communication when they fear they will suffer a disgrace. I suspect that’s what was going on in this exchange:

Me (8:15am): Please let me know if u can get rate info. If not, just tell me u can’t. No pressure. Better than letting me guess. Please phone soon.
He (10:57 am): Sorry I’m late for information because of one funeral of my relative.
He (10:58 am): I will send that information right now.
He (10:59 am): Now I could not contact them, please wait.
Me (1:19 pm): What time can I call u?
Me (4:08 pm): Are you still there?
He (4:09 pm): Sure.
Me (4:10 pm): What news about rate information?
Me (4:35 pm): Can u help me?
He (4:37 pm): I’m waiting. For u.

My mistake. The more I persisted, the more desperate this guy’s attempts to fog the situation became.

In between the text messages, he also avoided answering his phone. When I tried to use a go-between, he dodged her too. In the end, cornered, he claimed he had been waiting for more information from me before he could proceed.

I should have known from the beginning that face loss was behind his foot-dragging. Early on, I should have tried another source or given up on getting that rate. Even though I was getting pressure from above, you would think I had been here long enough to see that one coming….