First Impression

Getting on a plane for the U.S. seemed an unlikely prospect a few days ago. But suddenly there I was on the runway in Bangkok, listening to the cabin crew’s spiel. It hit me that I hadn’t told my friend Sarah that I had a long layover in San Francisco. Maybe she’d be spontaneous enough to drive out to the airport there after work for a chat! How could I get word to her?

No problem—my fancy phone knows how to send email. I zipped off a message, my seatmate covering for me as the no-electronic-devices police came down the aisle. Next I had to figure out if she got the message.

The phone didn’t work anymore in San Francisco. I saw a guy using a laptop and asked him about wi-fi access for my own computer. He said that if all I wanted to do was check my email, it would be simpler to just use his machine.

After he saw me write down Sarah’s cell number (she’d gotten my message, and was looking around for me), he offered the use of his phone, too. By then the guy and I were technology buddies. As we sat there, waiting for Sarah to walk over to that part of the airport, he held up his phone and said, “you want to watch some TV?”

“On your phone?” I said.

“I got 500 channels.”

Up till then I’d been pretty proud of the neat 21^st century trick I’d just pulled off—imagine arranging a same-day meetup, from halfway around the planet, without speaking a word! But now this guy’s gadget was kicking my gadget’s butt.

We watched the Dodgers game, live from L.A. They were playing the Mets. The screen was pretty small, so he plugged the phone into the laptop and voila! Now we could pick out the players’ names on their uniforms and everything. He noticed that I kept looking up, checking for Sarah.

“You know, sometimes I get distracted too, when I’m watching,” he said. “So I just record the show and play it back later.” On the phone. Whoa. Welcome back to the States.

Status Report

This evening, things have calmed. Jip is still not happy I’m going, but at least the hunger strike was short lived.

A curious side effect of this disease, at least in Jip’s case, is that the present mostly trumps the past and the future. She doesn’t forget things, the way Alzheimer’s people do, but in most conversations her focus returns to the hereandnow after just a few minutes. Maybe it’s nature’s way of preventing her from being overwhelmed by the big picture.

Or maybe she’s much more spiritually evolved than I’ll ever be. Strike that. She is definitely more spiritually evolved than I’ll ever be.

Green Light

After watching the current three-person team over the past 48 hours, I feel confident enough to proceed with plans to leave Thailand for three weeks …

...and to tell Jip that I’m going. Before this morning, I had thought I could save her needless worry by delaying this announcement. To be really honest, I was also afraid of her reaction. Jip continues to be unpredictable in both good and bad ways.

For instance, she surprised me pleasantly the other day by saying she’d like to come along to an evening talk at the Siam Society. She’d attended once before, about 18 months ago, when we lived near enough that we could walk over there together. This time the journey required a taxi and a bit more hassle, but she didn’t complain once, and seemed to really enjoy the lecture.

Dealing with a trip to the other side of town, though, is not in the same league as dealing with my going to the other side of the planet. I figured she wouldn’t be too happy about it. I even rehearsed my speech before finally springing the news of my departure.

“Good idea,” she said, after I let her in on the secret I’d been carrying around, “you need some time with your family now and then.”

What? I wrote out talking points so I could defend them … and she agrees with them?

Of course things didn’t turn out to be that simple. An hour later, Jip had thought things over and decided that maybe I didn’t need to return from the U.S. She tried to remove her wedding ring, but she couldn’t get it off. Not long after that, she thought of a few other threats.

Underneath her anger, I’m sure, is fear. What if I don’t come back? What if the caregivers forget the routine? What if … you name it?

Down to the Wire

I must really need a vacation. These days whenever the phone rings, I dread that it will be a caregiver, calling to quit. Or if one of them is a few minutes late for their shift, I begin to worry that they’re never going to show up.

These fears, unfortunately, are founded on experience. Since the departure of our two veterans three weeks ago, we’ve met nine different people. Some stay just a day. Others stay a week and then tell me (rarely face to face) they’ve decided their commute is too long, or their stomach problems are acting up, or whatever.

Hiring this time has been more stressful than usual because my trip back to the States is in doubt. I’m supposed to leave next Monday, but I’ve again had a very tough time finding—and keeping—a team of three who will have spent enough time with Jip before then.

Earlier this week, I was really sure I would have to cancel. We had one person no-show (disappeared without a trace after her first day), one call in sick on her second day (I was sure the “fever” was invented, but luckily she did re-appear), and one limp in 30 minutes late (motorcycle accident).

I took a day off (no choice, really—I’d told the limper, who I thought was my sole remaining employee, to go get an x-ray) and scrambled to find two more caregivers. Jip of course knows that I’ve been working the phones, but I still haven’t told her about my travel plans.

Normally, taking care of Jip for 12 hours is tiring enough—these last few weeks have been a recipe for exhaustion. But yesterday another pair showed up from the agency. One looks good. Maybe I’ve finally got a team that will stay at least the rest of the month. Stay tuned.

Kreng jai

It used to be that I shared both highlights and lowlights of my day with Jip. I knew that when I came home in a low mood, Jip would usually be a great listener and would help to change my outlook with an empathetic reply.

She was also a natural at a type of consideration that the Thai call kreng jai. If you kreng jai someone, you consider their feelings first, before thinking of your own feelings. It means being worried that your actions might inconvenience someone, and thus acting extra selfless.

The Thai word implies more than its closest English equivalent, because kreng jai is also connected to social rules and order, family and group harmony, and the cultural importance of avoiding conflict and maintaining hierarchies.

These days the kreng jai lobe of Jip's brain doesn't work quite the same way that it did, and so I normally keep my bad moods to myself. Yet this past week I came home from a frustrating outing, and for some reason I shared with Jip why my evening hadn't gone so well.

Instead of changing the subject to tooth brushing or some more immediate concern, she paused and said, "John, that sounds like small stuff. I think you can let it go." I was so shocked to hear her thinking of my feelings that it was easy to do exactly what she suggested.

The next morning she even asked me whether or not I was over my annoyance. I'll be living off that highlight for weeks.

Gulf

The book group’s last two selections have been set in India and Afghanistan (The God of Small Things and The Places in Between). Reading them has made me appreciate Thailand more than ever.

I found nearly every one of the characters in these books to be off-putting. No doubt they would feel the same way about me.

Normally, learning about other cultures makes me want to pack my bags and go see for myself. This time, I felt quite content to stay put and continue adapting to the Thai ways.

Those ways are just different enough from the ways I grew up with to be interesting, but not different enough to be unattractive. But India and Afghanistan strike me as just a little too weird.

I know these countries are big places. Like the U.S., probably anything you say about them is true somewhere. But as long as I’m generalizing shamelessly, let’s look at conflict resolution. Here in Thailand, people often go so far out of their way to avoid disagreement that problems linger and fester because nobody wants to address them.

I’ll take that approach over an attitude that turns even small stuff into a fight. Nearly everyone in the books went around shouting, or preparing to take revenge. Me, I’d rather tiptoe.

Or consider an everyday event like meeting someone you haven’t seen for a while. In The Places in Between, the author describes normal people reciting long prescribed speeches that sound to me like high-level diplomatic protocol. I know that kind of drill probably isn’t as common in real life as it appears in the book, and I know Americans’ impatience with decorum and formality makes problems for them in many parts of the world. Nonetheless, I prefer just putting my hands together in front of my face, as the Thais do, than going through a long spiel every time I run across a friend.

Just one more reminder that the world needs to do lots more cross cultural communication. Next month our group tackles Nine Parts of Desire, about Muslim women. The gap between the cultures described in that book and the one I live with here is even wider than the ones in our previous titles. No doubt this medicine is good for me, but I’m still glad Jip and I met where we did.

Dubious Dessert

Last year the New York Times profiled an American expat in Bangkok who explained his permanent move here by saying that he “didn’t want to live anywhere they didn’t have durian.” I read that and thought, I can think of better reasons to live in Thailand.

But that was before my recent conversion. This year’s durian crop has shown me the light. (Durian, for the uninitiated, is a seasonal fruit that, as the locals say, “smells like a toilet, tastes like a dream.”)

First I had to get past its appearance, which is best described as a cross between a medieval weapon and a sea creature. Then there is the odor: rank enough that many hotels in SE Asia post signs banning durian on their premises.

Even connoisseurs prefer that the fruit not appear on the table until the other parts of the meal are finished, in order not to mix smells. I learned this the hard way the other day, when my cafeteria companions strongly encouraged me to sit elsewhere. I had shown up with a tray that included both a main course and durian for dessert.

At first the flavor was so different from anything I’d ever eaten, and the texture so un-fruit-like, that I gave up trying to acquire a taste for it. But this year it hit me that durian’s closest American cousin is cake frosting. If you hold your nose and close your eyes, you might easily imagine that you’re eating one of those roses made of frosting that appear on the corners of some big birthday cakes. Not for sissies.

Bribes and Other Dirty Tricks

As the outgoing caregivers train a new set to replace them, the apartment is awfully crowded. I returned home the other day to find six women in the kitchen. Clearly the situation called for me to vacate and go for a run.

In an ideal world this changeover would be happening a couple months from now, after I return from a planned trip to the States in June. In fact, I tried to convince our departing duo to stay until I got back, using an assortment of carrots and sticks.

When they held to the end of May as their planned departure date, I even resorted to divide and conquer tactics. I suspected that one of them cared more about money than the other, and so I took her aside and suggested that she could let her cousin go home ahead of her, then follow in July as a relatively rich woman.

She thought about the offer but ultimately passed, perhaps concluding that it served me more than it served her. And so Jip will get good care from good people while I’m away, but they won’t be the people who know her best of all.

This rundown of our rehiring is really just the Cliff’s Notes version. To understand all the gruesome details of putting together a new care team, you’d have to buy me dinner and stay all the way through dessert. Let’s just say that this tale has many layers. Sometimes I need to go for a run just to clear my head of it.

Lineup Change

Our caregiver scene has been complex ever since I tried to expand the team to three people. For one reason or another, we can’t seem to find, or keep, anyone as reliable or competent as the initial pair. But at least that pair has stuck around, meaning that most of the time Jip enjoys consistency, something she cares about more than almost anything.

These two cousins have evolved a gentle way of deflecting Jip’s angry moments. They have a large reserve of patience, which lately is the most important job requirement. Sadly, they announced recently that it’s time for them to move on. They say they miss their extended family and want to return to the village.

For the moment Jip is saying good riddance, grumbling about “those two from the north … mutter mutter mutter … sick of them … mutter mutter … always talking in their language ….” To me this talk sounds like that strategy many of us humans employ when faced with losing what we really care about. We convince ourselves that it was never all that important anyway.

Yet these are people who have spent many more hours than I have with Jip during the time we’ve lived in Thailand. They can read her mind. When they’re around, there are no surprises (ideal for us, but maybe a little tiresome for them). I suspect that the minute they leave, Jip will change her tune and start to sing their praises. I miss them already.

Umbrella Farm

Wet weather here the past few days, especially during commuting hours. Even if only to get from the parking lot to the office door, everyone has needed an umbrella. They then plant them on the stair landing to dry, as pictured above.

New Tack

Jip has been mostly upbeat since I’ve been back from China. During previous trips, she has sometimes stored up complaints, only to dump them all at once during the first day or two after my return.

This time, she hasn’t had a laundry list. The only negatives on her mind have been reminders for our new caregiver (have I mentioned that we found a third person to add to the team?) about particular ways Jip likes things to be done.

Even these concerns have been muted, free of rant. She said to me this week with a set jaw and a grim expression, “John, we have to have a family meeting about this new caregiver.”

Whoa! Deferred criticism! This is really something.

Announcing Hipbelt

I took a short holiday to Beijing last week. My timing was good for lots of reasons. Two of my aunties were passing through, the weather was perfect, and the country is going out of its way to welcome visitors as it prepares for next year’s Olympics.

Jip handled my being gone pretty well. I checked in often via skype. The only time she seemed upset was was when one of the caregivers had shown up for a shift two hours early. Apparently this change in the routine was enough to upset her sense of balance.

Starting to write about the trip reminded me that for about a year now I’ve kept a separate journal about my travels. Mostly it’s a way to help me remember where I’ve been in Asia (at my advanced age, sometimes I can’t come up with the title of the novel I finished the day before). Writing also helps freeze some images in my mind, because I don’t travel with a camera other than the little one on my phone (I find they get in the way of really seeing a place).

Recently I put this travel journal online, at a separate blog address. Journey over to http://hipbelt.blogspot.com if you’re interested. (I’ve also put a link in the sidebar on the right side of this page). The most recent entry is about Beijing. I also wrote about short trips I took with friends or family to Laos, Suphanburi, Nakhonchaisri, Samut Songkhram, Khao Prah Viharn, Angkor Wat, Lopburi, and Ko Si Chang.

I’ll keep adding to hipbelt as I keep wandering around Southeast Asia.

Lunchtime Entertainment

We’re lucky where I work to be able to choose between several outdoor cafeterias within walking distance, all serving pretty decent grub for about fifty cents a plate. Each of the various departments at the Ministry of Public Health has its own variation on the theme, meaning I could eat at a different spot every day of the week and never leave the campus.

But now and then the April heat, or the need for a change of scene, drives us to seek enclosed dining options. Last week some of us jumped in a car for a trip to a nearby noodle house. On the way we discovered several mosquitoes were sharing the ride with us.

The American reaction would have been to start slapping. Here in Buddhist Thailand, following several wisecracks about the driver’s “pets,” my seatmates in the back began herding the little insects toward the windows. When one would get close enough, the window was quickly cracked open, and the passenger allowed to escape.

So are we models of compassion? Or just easily amused? Either way, we passed a very enjoyable lunch hour.

Cruelest Month

At least there’s a breeze.

Temperatures here have been at their sultriest. The papers claim it’s been in the high nineties, but they also publish a “feels like” number, which is even more depressing.

And people get colds! Sometimes they’ll describe their sniffling as “sun fever,” which is one of those “had to be there” terms that don’t make sense unless they’ve happened to you.

That description is as good as any to explain why I’ve been hacking and spluttering this past week. Although my symptoms could just as easily have come from switching back and forth between the humid air outdoors and the refrigerated air indoors.

Begging the question: should we turn on the air conditioner at bedtime? Rely on a fan alone? Or perhaps count on the breeze to last all night?

I know, I know. Lots of people on this planet would love to have choices as complicated as ours.